Maybe We Can Be Okay
by IWannaLiveInABigBlueBox
Summary: Blaine loves Kurt and Kurt loves Blaine more than anything. But one night Kurt comes home angry from school and forces himself upon Blaine. He's blind with his anger and doesn't hear Blaine's cries and pleads for Kurt to stop. Blaine is terrified and doesn't understand how his loving fiance could rape him.


**TW: Rape, it's explicit, detailed, and what the entire story is about so HEED THIS WARNING (I am going to bold the dividers before and after the actual rape scene, so you can skip that, but the entire story is talking about the rape, so just… be warned.)**

**Prompt: Blaine loves Kurt and Kurt loves Blaine more than anything. But one night Kurt comes home angry from school and forces himself upon Blaine. He's blind with his anger and doesn't hear Blaine's cries and pleads for Kurt to stop. Blaine is terrified and doesn't understand how his loving fiance could rape him. The next day, Blaine is still scared out of his mind and Kurt doesn't understand why.**

**A/N: Potential spoilers for the story that might convince you to read it. If you're already going to read it, just skip to the story, if not, continue, I might change your mind. Kurt is not evil. He does a bad, VERY bad thing, but he's not evil. I tried to keep him as in character as I could for the actual rape scene (which is explicit) and that was difficult because rape is such a terrible thing and Kurt is not a terrible person. I hope I did that well though, I would really like feedback on that part from you guys, please and thank you. BUT, the majority of the story is about the aftermath (the entire thing is about 9,000 words long and the rape scene is about 1,000, with about 500 words of set up before that, so 85% of this story is how they move on) and Kurt, the morning after, does not know what he's done, he doesn't remember it. He vaguely remembers having sex with Blaine but he doesn't realize it was forced. And when Kurt finally find out what he did he is horrified, and from that point forward Kurt's goal is to help Blaine and he only focuses on what Blaine wants/needs, and if Blaine wanted to never see Kurt again, Kurt would leave, no questions asked, but that's not what Blaine wants. This is one of those stories that I REALLY want some feedback on because I slaved and slaved over it and I think it turned out really well. It is unbeta'd though, so there may be a few grammatical errors here and there. That's really all I have to say, so on to the story.**

Blaine paced the apartment, spinning his phone in his hands. Kurt's classes had gotten out almost five hours ago and he still wasn't home and every one of Blaine's calls and texts had gone unanswered. He took in a shaky breath, dialing Kurt's number again. It rang one and a half times before it was ignored. Blaine bit back a sob, clutching the phone to his ear.

"H-hey, baby, I-I understand if you're still angry about this mor-morning, but could you please just tell-tell me where you are. A simple text, that's a-all I'm asking. You don't even have to—" he broked off with a ragged breath, "you don't even have to come home, just… just let me know you're okay, please?" He sniffled, wiping his nose, muttering out a weak "I love you" before hanging up.

Blaine looked around the apartment tiredly before dropping down on the couch and pulling his knees to his chest. He stared at his phone, trying desperately to not let his mind return to the fight they'd had that morning. He needed to talk it out with Kurt and dwelling on it without him would just make him more upset.

It had been stupid, really. Kurt had gotten really good at managing his money during his first year in New York, but Blaine still wanted some say in what they spent it on. They both worked and brought home money, so they should both have a say in the budgeting, but Kurt was dead set on his way and wouldn't let up at all. It lead to a huge fight over breakfast before they'd had to leave it unresolved and go to school.

Now Kurt was late getting home and was ignoring his calls and the deep pit of dread and fear and worry in Blaine's stomach was making him sick and his chest felt like it was being squeezed by a boa constrictor as he gasped out short breaths, hugging himself tightly. He didn't know how long he sat like that, rocking back and forth, before a text came through on his phone.

_Kurt: Out with Elliot and some other guys, don't wait up._

Blaine's eyes welled with fresh tears before he chucked his phone against the wall and stood up. He stomped to the curtained off section of the loft that was their room and angrily threw off his clothes, not bothering to even put them in the hamper (_Kurt would hate that_, he thought. _Good._), until he was only in his boxers. He crawled under the covers, wrapping the duvet tightly around himself and screamed into his pillow. He screamed and screamed until his shouts were no more than hoarse whispers and his throat burned with the salty tears streaming down his face.

He cried himself to sleep, sobs wracking his small frame.

**— (Start of the rape scene)**

A few hours later he was woken by the strong smell of alcohol entering the room. He wrinkled his nose in disgust at the smell, and in frustration at Kurt for going out drinking. He pretended to be asleep, not willing to deal with Kurt right then, especially since he seemed to be heavily intoxicated, if the crashes Blaine kept hearing coming from around the room and Kurt's muttered swears were any clue.

Finally, it seemed Kurt had gotten out of his clothes and climbed into bed next to Blaine, struggling to shove his arm under the tight burrito like wrap Blaine had managed with his half of the blanket.

Blaine closed his eyes again, refusing to reciprocate Kurt's attempts at cuddling, but then the blanket around his neck was pushed down and he felt Kurt's warm breath as he pressed messy kisses along his shoulders. Blaine froze, shell shocked for a moment. He peeked at the alarm clock and saw that it was 4:28 in the morning. They had to get up in less than three hours and Kurt wanted to have sex?

"Mmm, I hate fighting with you," Kurt breathed against his back, hand slowly forcing the blanket down, his lips travelled up Blaine's jaw but he just shrugged him off.

"I'm not in the mood," Blaine said, trying to make his voice strong but his voice was still hoarse from his screaming fit.

It didn't deter Kurt, "I'm sorry about earlier, baby, let me make it up to you," he whispered, nibbling at his ear while his hand made it's way under the blanket to cup him through his briefs. Blaine gasped at the friction, hips snapping forward against his will as Kurt massaged him to half hardness. He almost forgot why he'd been protesting until Kurt brought their mouths together and he could tasted the sharpness of the alcohol on his tongue.

"No," he croaked out, fighting to pull away from Kurt. He cringed as Kurt's grasp on his crotch tightened painfully.

"Turn over," Kurt breathed in his ear.

"No, Kurt, I—"

Kurt rolled him onto his stomach anyway, kicking the blanket off the bed.

Blaine started to push himself up, starting to get frustrated and a little worried at Kurt's persistence. "Kurt, I'm really not—" Kurt pushed him back down into the bed, digging his hands into his shoulders.

"You're tense, baby," Kurt commented, his hands working over Blaine's back. The massage should have felt good but Kurt's hands were too strong and insistent, digging into the knots in Blaine's muscles with too much force.

"Kurt, stop, really, I don't—" Blaine jolted when Kurt's hands slid his briefs down to his knees.

"Have I told you lately how much I love your ass?" Kurt said, nails digging into Blaine's skin as he worked it over and Blaine couldn't help the way he keened into the touch, ass lifting into the air, "It's so…" he suddenly brought his hand down on his ass, hard, making Blaine cry out, "jiggly." He brought his hand down again and Blaine jerked forward.

"Kurt, don't—"

Another smack made him cry out and try to scramble away, suddenly fearful of Kurt's obliviousness to Blaine's protests. He knew his voice was small and wrecked but… Kurt should be able to hear him, right?

Kurt gripped his hips, pulling him backwards. "Sometimes, I just want to look at you ass all the time. Look at it… touch it," he rubbed the cheeks again in soothing circles that did little to calm Blaine's racing heart, "taste it," he spread the cheeks, burying his face between them and lapping hungrily at Blaine's hole.

Blaine sobbed out, a shiver running up his spine at the sensation. It felt so good but so wrong, he didn't want this, he didn't want it at all. "Kurt, please," he whimpered squirming and trying to get away but Kurt's grip was strong and he surged forward, spearing his tongue and forcing it into Blaine's hole.

Blaine whined, tears filling his eyes because of how wrong everything felt. "Stop, Kurt, stop," he pleaded, twisting in his hold. Kurt's mouth left and Blaine relaxed, thinking Kurt had finally heard him, until he shoved a finger in with just his spit for lube.

Blaine cried out, whole body tensing at the intrusion. They'd used their spit many times before in fits of desperation when they didn't have anything else, and it always burned, but this… his tense muscles and Kurt's lack of care as he fucked his finger into Blaine made the pain almost unbearable.

"Kurt, please, stop, stop, stop," he whimpered, trying to jerk away from the finger but that just made Kurt pull him back onto it and, god, that burned. He was gasping for breath when he finally heard the pop of the lube bottle and the second finger was inserted. He wasn't ready, he was nowhere near ready, but that didn't stop Kurt from working it into him and scissoring his fingers against the resistance.

Blaine buried his face his arms, tears streaming down his face, hoping, praying that Kurt would realize that he didn't want it, that he would stop and just… the fingers were gone and Blaine sagged in relief.

"Kurt—" he croaked out, but then he felt the blunt tip of Kurt's cock pressing against his hole, "No!" he screeched, twisting desperately, "No, no, I'm not…" his words broke off into a hoarse cry as Kurt pressed in, stretching him too wide and too quickly. The searing pain that shot up his spine choked off Blaine's scream as he gasped for breath, squeezing his eyes shut.

Kurt gave him a few seconds to adjust, and if Blaine hadn't been gritting his teeth against the pain he would have thought to protest again, but all too soon Kurt was moving.

Blaine gripped the sheets below him, shaking his head and whimpering out soft, barely audible "no's" as Kurt pounded into him, his grip on his hips bruising. Blaine barely registered when Kurt stilled inside of him, letting out a long, drawn out moan with his release. Kurt reached around, to grip Blaine's cock and found it soft.

"Did you already come, sweetie?" he breathed and Blaine just sniffled, "that's so hot," he mumbled, pulling out carefully before dropping onto the bed next to Blaine. He threw an arm across his back, pulling him close and burying his face in Blaine's hair. "I love you," he muttered and Blaine choked back a sob, curling into Kurt.

**— (Rape scene ends)**

They both slept through their alarms. Kurt was the first to wake up a little before noon with a throbbing headache. He groaned weakly, rubbing at his eyes, and pushing himself up on his elbows. He looked around the room, seeing clothes strewn everywhere and the image of him and Blaine having sex last night slowly made it's way past the fog of his hangover.

He rolled over, smiling at the sight of Blaine curled into a ball in a cocoon of blankets. He scooted closer, kissing the top of his head gently. Blaine jolted awake with wide, terrified eyes, shying away from Kurt.

"Baby?" Kurt asked, brow furrowed, "What's wrong?"

Blaine stared at him, breath ragged for a few minutes before he choked out, "N-nightmare," his voice was hoarse and hard to hear.

"Are you sick?"

Blaine didn't respond, his whole body still tense.

"I'll make you some tea, does that sound good?"

Blaine's brow furrowed as he studied Kurt's face for a minute before nodding slowly. Kurt smiled and leaned forward to give Blaine a quick kiss but Blaine jerked back.

"Everything okay, sweetie?" Kurt said, face drawn in worry.

Blaine shook himself, forcing out a smile, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he croaked, "still just… nightmare."

Kurt nodded, "We can talk about it after I get some aspirin, okay?" Blaine accepted the kiss this time, only tensing a little and then Kurt was clambering out of bed in search of pain meds and coffee, snatching a pair of sweatpants on the way.

Blaine took a few deep, steadying breaths, thinking through everything from the night before. Kurt had been rough, but… that was normal, right? They were rough with each other all the time. Blaine was constantly begging for harder, faster, when they had sex. This was just… Kurt giving it to him without him asking. And at the end of it all he'd still cuddled him close and said I love you…

Yeah, it was fine, it was normal sex. Kurt didn't act like there was anything weird about it, so why should he? He was just over exaggerating it in his mind because he'd been upset, everything was fine.

Blaine still flinched in fear when Kurt called that the tea was ready.

—

Blaine shrugged off Kurt's attempts to talk about his nightmare. It was stupid anyway. He'd had rough sex with his fiance', no big deal, him being scared didn't make any sense to him, how would he explain it to Kurt?

It also wasn't weird when he told Kurt that he should control the finances. It had nothing to do with the pit in his stomach at the thought of another fight over it and the potential for Kurt going at drinking again.

—

They lounged around the whole day, hanging out on the couch and watching bad reality TV. Kurt napped for a little bit, his arms wrapped around tightly around Blaine's waist. Blaine tried to do the same, but every time he would doze off for a couple of minutes his mind would assault him with images from the night before. The feeling of Kurt's hands gripping his hips to tightly and his cock feeling like it was splitting him open.

He'd jolt awake each time, heart hammering in his chest, palms sweating. Part of him told him to run, to get away from Kurt, but he forced it down, slowly relaxing back into Kurt's chest.

—

Nighttime wasn't much better for his nightmares. He'd sleep for an hour before he'd be forced awake, hands clutching at Kurt's chest. He wanted to find comfort in Kurt's arms like he always did, but instead he pulled out of Kurt's embrace and shifting as far away from his as possible, clinging to the side of the bed.

The nightmares calmed a bit.

—

After a week of flinching every time Kurt moved too quickly near him, or tensing when he'd lean in for a quick kiss, and constant dreams about that night, Blaine's resolve that it was just rough sex was starting to waver. The constant nightmares meant he could remember everytime he said no, everytime he tried to pull away, and every time Kurt kept going. And he had no clue how to deal with it.

Kurt was at One Three Hill practice and Blaine had the apartment to himself. He wasn't sure how he came across it, as he was just mindlessly searching the internet for something to quiet his racing thoughts, but he found himself on a rape survivors chat room.

He tried to focus on other things but he kept switching back over to the chat room tab and finally… he started to type.

_BDA1994: I think I might have been raped…_

It took a few minutes, but finally someone replied to him.

_LLSprinkles: Were you drugged?_

_BDA1994: No… I just, don't know if it was actually rape._

_LLSprinkles: Did you say no?_

_BDA1994: Yeah, but my voice was hoarse, I don't think he heard me._

_LLSprinkles: Did you try to pull away?_

_BDA1994: Yeah…_

_LLSprinkles: Then you were raped. Why don't you think it was actually rape?_

Blaine hesitated. Because he loves me, because he's never done anything like this before, because he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing…

_BDA1994: Because I don't want to believe it._

—

The girl he'd been talking to gave him the number to a hotline he could call to talk about it if he needed. He put it in his phone but didn't call. He wasn't there yet. He was sure Kurt had raped him now… but he was sure he hadn't meant to.

He sat on the couch, staring at the show on the TV but not really watching it. He heard Kurt come back into the loft but didn't acknowledge it. His mind was blank for once and he didn't want to try and focus on anything. He just want to exist without worrying.

Kurt came up behind him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and squeezing gently. "It's been a long week," he whispered and Blaine could smell alcohol on his breath.

He stiffened, "You've been drinking," he said, his voice wavering.

"I just had a beer during practice," he shrugged, starting to nibble on his ear, "Maybe we can… go to the bedroom?"

Blaine pulled away, standing, "I don't like having sex with you when you're drunk, I prefer for you to actually remember it in the morning" he said, wrapping his arms around himself.

Kurt's eyes narrowed, "I'm not drunk, I had one beer, I won't even have a hangover tomorrow, what's your deal?"

Blaine's throat closed, _last time you drank you raped me_, the confession tried to blurt it's way out, but Blaine forced it down. He couldn't tell Kurt that, he hadn't known what he was doing… if Kurt ever found out what he'd done… it would break him.

"Nothing," he choked out, "I'm just tired."

—

Blaine distanced himself from Kurt over the next week, and if Kurt noticed he doesn't say anything, most likely waiting for Blaine to come to him with his problems, but Blaine couldn't do that. There was one place he could turn to if he needed it… he stared at the number in his phone constantly, trying to work up the nerve to call.

—

It was a Sunday, neither of them had class or any responsibilities and Kurt missed his boyfriend. Blaine had been strange the past week, avoiding him, staying away from the loft until late and then coming home and going straight to bed. Kurt cuddled him close every night but when he's wake up Blaine was always on the opposite side of the bed. He didn't know what's going on. He's tried to wait until Blaine came to him but after more than a week of avoidance it looked like he was going to have to be the initiator.

He knows Blaine's almost always more willing to talk to him when he's sated and happy after sex. Like being that vulnerable around Kurt with his body reminds him that he can trust him with his thoughts. Kurt made them dinner, and they ate, talking occasionally, the conversation stilted and awkward with Blaine flashing Kurt fake smiles that fell into a blank expression when he thought Kurt wasn't looking anymore.

Blaine was doing dishes afterwards when Kurt came up and wrapped his arms around his waist. Blaine tensed as Kurt kissed the side of his neck gently. "How about we save dishes for later?" Kurt whispered, hands tugging Blaine's shirt from where it was tucked into his jeans.

Blaine froze for a minute, soapy hands hanging over the sink, useless, before he finally managed a soft, "I'm not in the mood."

Kurt took his earlobe between his teeth and Blaine shuddered, "I can help you… get in the mood," his hands travelled south, cupping Blaine through his pants and that's when he jerked away, pulling out of Kurt's grip.

"I-I'm not in the mood," he repeated, voice shaking and arms wrapped tightly around himself. He couldn't meet Kurt's eye and something sick settled in the pit of Kurt's stomach. He knew that look, it was the look he got before he told him he cheated, that fearful need to tell him something that he knows it going to upset Kurt.

"Blaine, what's wrong?" Kurt asked, hoping that it was not what he fears it is.

"N-nothing," Blaine said too quickly, "I'm just not in the mood, okay?" he flinched at the volume of his own voice, curling in on himself in fear.

Kurt sighed, "Fine, fine, we won't talk about, we'll just ignore whatever is going on with you until finally you explode and do something stupid, just like we always do because you won't _talk to me_."

Blaine cowered as Kurt's voice rose. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I just… I-I can't…"

Kurt rolled his eyes, "Yeah, you never can," he said before storming across the room to grab his jacket.

Blaine spun around, "Wha-where are you going?" he asked, voice high and desperate.

"Out with people that actually trust me," he spat back before leaving and slamming the door shut behind him.

Blaine fell to his knees, pulling out his phone.

A gentle, female voice answered, "Rape survivors hotline, how may I help you?"

—

By the time Kurt was finished with his first beer he knew he was wrong to storm out on Blaine like that. If Blaine was struggling with something he should have been there, reminded him that he could tell him anything, and waited until he was ready to talk. He waved goodbye to Elliot who was on the dancefloor before stepping outside to hail a taxi and go home.

The apartment was silent when he entered and at first he thought Blaine was gone until he noticed his shadow out of the fire escape. He walked closer and could hear Blaine speaking quietly to someone with hitching breaths. Anger and sadness spiked in his chest at the fact that Blaine was talking to someone else about his problems but he pushed it down. Blaine would come to him when he was ready. He instead went to the kitchen and warmed some milk.

Blaine came back inside about half an hour later, looking tired and sad but less tense than he had all week. He paused when he saw Kurt in the kitchen. "Y-you came back," he said.

Kurt nodded, "I'm sorry for leaving like that. You-you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but just… know that you can, okay? You can tell me anything."

Blaine gave him a weak smile, "I know, but… I was gonna go take a shower, if that's alright? Maybe we'll talk after?"

Kurt just nodded dumbly. Blaine set his phone on the kitchen table and left. Kurt's attention was drawn to his phone. Blaine had confessed his problem to someone, and that phone could tell him who. They could tell him what was going on even if Blaine never did. But shouldn't he trust Blaine to tell him? That would be an invasion of his privacy to look at his phone, it could take away all the trust they have…

He battled with himself for a good ten minutes before he finally snatched the phone up and went to Blaine's call history. He expected to find Sam or Tina's number there, maybe even Cooper's, but the contact was simply named Help. Kurt's brow furrowed as he hit the call button. It was picked up on the first ring.

"Rape survivors hotline, how may I help you?"

Kurt's heart stopped, his hand falling limp. A rape hotline? Blaine was raped? That would explain Blaine's aversion to being touched but why would he avoid Kurt? Kurt would like to think that he'd be the one person Blaine would let near him after something like that, instead he was pushing him away. Why? Had this happened recently or was the pain of it just now catching up to Blaine? Could it be an anniversary…

"Kurt?" Blaine's small, timid voice broke through his thoughts, "What are you doing with my phone?"

Kurt looked at him with tear filled eyes, "Blaine," he choked out.

Blaine took the phone from his hands and saw the open call, he quickly hung up and shoved it back in his pocket. "I wish you hadn't done that," he whispered.

"I'm sorry," Kurt said, "I just… _Blaine_, that was a rape hotline."

Kurt could see Blaine's walls closing up around him as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I… I dialed the wrong number," he tried.

"You talked to them for over an hour, Blaine," Kurt said, "Why wouldn't you tell me that you were raped?"

Blaine flinched violently, his hands curling into tight fists.

"When did this happen?"

Blaine swallowed, "A few weeks ago," he whispered.

Kurt's throat closed as he thought about Blaine going through the pain of this by himself for a few weeks. "C'mon," he said, standing. He reached for Blaine's hand but pulled back when he cowered away from him. He took a deep, shaking breath before leading the way to couch in the front room. He sat on one side and Blaine sat on the other, sitting stiffly with his eyes glued to the floor.

"Who was it?" he asked and Blaine shook his head quickly.

"You don't know?"

Blaine shook his head again.

"Blaine… we need to go to the police, get the asshole locked up, do you remember what he looked like?"

"I-I don't want him in jail," Blaine whimpered.

"Why not?" Kurt practically shouted causing Blaine jerk in his seat. He lowered his voice, "That man is a monster."

Blaine covered his mouth, sobbing and shaking his head, "No-no, he's not."

"He raped you, Blaine," Kurt argued.

"He d-didn't know," his voice almost sound pleading and Kurt couldn't figure out why Blaine was defending that man.

"How do you not know you're raping someone?"

Blaine sniffled, "He-he was drunk and… and I'd lost my voice, he couldn't hear me saying no—"

"Then he definitely didn't hear you saying yes," Kurt spat.

Blaine just covered his face with his hands and sobbed. "He didn't mean it, he didn't mean it," he cried, like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Kurt.

"You knew him?" Kurt asked and Blaine nodded weakly. Kurt's mind raced with all the possible culprits, namely any gay man they both knew, Adam, Elliot, Sebastian, Karofsky… but why would any of them not need a definite yes to have sex with Blaine? The only person that wouldn't need a spoken "yes I want to have sex with you" would be…

Kurt's breath caught in his throat, "No… no, no, nononono," he hand flew up to his mouth as he played through what he could remember of the last time they'd had sex. Blaine bucking underneath him in desperation… to be fucked or to get away? Blaine screaming out in ecstasy or in pain? Him being soft because he'd already come, or because he'd never been hard in the first place?

Blaine's defense made sense now, trying to justify it and say he didn't mean to because it was Kurt. Kurt had raped Blaine.

Kurt stood up quickly, legs feeling weak as he bolted to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees just in time to empty his stomach into the porcelain bowl. He dry heaved for a few more minutes before taking in shaking breaths. He could hear Blaine's soft, hitching breaths behind him, muttering out quiet, "I'm sorry's" that made Kurt feel even more sick because why was Blaine apologizing?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Shh, shh," Kurt hushed him once he could breath again, "none of this is your fault," he wanted to reach out and hold him but knew that wouldn't help at all. He was a rapist, he had raped his boyfriend.

Blaine crumbled to his knees, fingers digging into his sides as he held himself. Kurt tried to think of a plan, something to do, but he didn't know, he didn't know what he should do. He just wanted to hold Blaine and sob apologies into his hair, make sure he knew that nothing like that would ever happen again, and Blaine would probably let him. If that's what Kurt wanted Blaine would let him. He would do anything to make Kurt happy, even try and pretend that his boyfriend hadn't raped him just to make Kurt feel better. Kurt couldn't do something for himself, he had to do what Blaine needed.

"Blaine," Kurt said gently, forcing his voice to be strong. He couldn't break down, not yet. Blaine looked up at him with red rimmed eyes, "what do you need me to do? I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this situation, what do you need?"

Blaine just shook his head.

"Do you need some time alone?" Kurt's heart broke at the thought of leaving Blaine like this but he couldn't do anything for him since he was the cause of Blaine's fear. "I can go stay at Elliot's for a little while and you can call Tina, or-or Sam and they can come visit, does that sound good?"

Blaine's bottom lip quivered but he nodded slowly.

"What else do you need? Do you—" his whole being shattered at the question he was about to ask, "do you want this back?" he asked, pulling his engagement ring off and holding it out to Blaine.

"No!" Blaine shouted, scrambling backwards, "Please, please don't leave me, please," he sobbed, "please, I need you."

"Blaine," Kurt said softly, voice thick, "I raped you, I don't think I deserve to be your fiance' anymore, much less your boyfriend."

"No, no, no," Blaine cried, rocking back and forth, "you didn't mean it, you didn't mean it."

"Okay, okay, here," Kurt said, "I'll keep it," he put it in the breast pocket of his shirt, "and if one day you feel safe with me again, I will gladly be your fiance', okay?"

Blaine nodded weakly, tears still tracking down his face.

"What else do you need?"

Blaine looked down at his knees, "Don't… don't drink anymore," he pleaded.

Kurt nodded, "Yeah, yeah, of course, no more alcohol. I'll throw away my fake ID… I'll even go to anger management, would that make you feel better?"

Blaine sniffled, "I-I guess… you weren't really angry, though, just… drunk and horny and I'd screamed myself hoarse so you couldn't hear me saying no, it's not your fau—"

"Don't," Kurt cut him off, "drunk or not I still should have read your body language. Whether or not I can hear you saying no doesn't change the fact that you were saying no. And for all I know with how splotchy my memory of that night is, I did hear you and I just didn't care."

Blaine flinched.

"None of this is your fault, okay? And I will do everything I can to earn your trust back."

"I do—"

Kurt raised his hand to cup Blaine's face and the younger boy jerked away. "No," Kurt whispered, "you don't."

—

Kurt hung around until Dani could come over, but he kept his distance from Blaine, trying to give him space even though he refused to leave him all alone. Dani arrived with a duffle bag of things that should last her until Sam could catch a flight back. She didn't know what was going on, and Kurt would leave that up to Blaine to tell her if he wished, but she knew that Kurt and Blaine needed some time apart but Kurt didn't want Blaine to be alone.

Kurt hugged her, looking solemn and on the edge of breaking but like he was fighting to keep it together for Blaine's sake. "Take care of him," he whispered, breath hitching. She just nodded.

"Blaine," Kurt called carefully. He was sitting on the couch, staring at the blank TV. He blinked and turned his head towards them at the sound of his name. Kurt approached him cautiously, pulling his wallet out of his pocket. "I wanted you to have this," he said, handing Blaine his fake ID, "do whatever you want with it, throw it in the trash, shred it, burn it, whatever. Just so that you know it's gone, okay?"

Blaine nodded, tears filling his eyes, "I-I love you," he said, voice small and broken.

Kurt's lips trembled, "I love you, too."

He finally broke down in the elevator.

—

Kurt went through the motions of life for the next week, not really paying much attention to what he was doing. He got yelled at in his dance class, forgot a paper for his musical theory class, and barely remembered a thing his professors said. He just… didn't care.

He went by the apartment on Thursday to grab some new sets of clothes, but only after texting Sam to make sure Blaine wasn't there. Elliot still had no clue why Kurt was staying with him, or why he cried himself to sleep every night. Kurt was too ashamed to tell him. He could tell Blaine had told Sam, though, by the way he'd watched him carefully when he stopped by to pick something up. He didn't know what Sam expected him to do since Blaine wasn't even there, but it didn't makes him feel any less like a monster.

He went to a therapist and told him the situation. For some reason telling a stranger he'd raped his boyfriend was easier than telling one of his best friends.

He kept the ring in his pocket like he'd promised Blaine, but it felt like it was burning him, constantly reminding him of what he'd done to Blaine. He needed to see him, missed him like crazy, but he knew this was not about what he needed, this was all for Blaine. His presence was hurting Blaine so he would leave him alone, he just didn't know how long he had to wait.

—

Blaine didn't leave his room for the first three days after Kurt left. He'd been fighting through his life, trying to pretend everything was fine for Kurt and now that Kurt knew… there was no point. The deep dark hole of depression had been calling to him since it happened and now he just… let it take him.

Dani tried to get him to eat and shower, but he'd only take a few bites of whatever she'd made before collapsing back on the bed and sleeping again. He slept a lot, making up for the nights plagued by nightmares of Kurt hurting him even more than he already had.

On Wednesday Sam arrived and plopped down on the bed beside him. "You smell," he commented. Blaine didn't respond, just remained curled in a ball, clutching Kurt's pillow to his chest. It smelled like him, that was one of the things about Kurt that didn't scare him anymore. He hadn't smelled like himself that night, he'd smelled like sweat and vodka and other people's cologne's. His smell was crisp and clean and it was all he had of his once safe place that wasn't terrifying.

"So…" Sam said, "are you mad at Kurt or is he mad at you?"

"Neither of us are mad," Blaine mumbled.

Sam's brow furrowed, "You're fighting, but you're not mad?"

"We're not fighting."

Sam's shoulders slumped and he pursed his lips, "Okay, so let me get this straight. You're not fighting and neither of you are angry, and yet Kurt has moved into Elliott's for the time being and you haven't gotten out of bed for three days. Why?"

Blaine swallowed hard. He hadn't told Dani. He hadn't told anyone except for Kurt and the girl from the rape hotline. But this was Sam, and he really needed someone to talk to that knew him and Kurt but wasn't directly involved in the situation. He flipped over, resting his head on Sam's leg, burying his face in Kurt's pillow to compose himself.

"H-he raped me," Blaine breathed.

—

Blaine started going back to classes, it was easier after having talked it out with Sam. He still didn't know what him and Kurt were going to do, but he felt better, less confused about everything after he actually thought back on Kurt's reaction to what he had done. He knew it wouldn't happen again. He still needed some time, and he wasn't sure when he would fully be able to trust Kurt again, but at the very least he knew he wouldn't hurt him like that. It didn't make him any less afraid of him, though.

It was another two weeks before Elliott and Sam decided they needed an intervention. Blaine was better, but felt like Kurt still need time away from him, seemingly oblivious to the fact that separating was entirely for Blaine and Kurt was dying without knowing how he was doing. Even if he couldn't hold him or kiss he he just wanted to see him, to see that that sad, broken, distant look was fading from his eyes, and that he was eating again, and maybe even having real, genuine smiles.

Kurt texted Sam once he got out of his last class for the day to make sure that Blaine wasn't home before heading over there. He stepped into the apartment, smiling when he saw the sewing machine out and several newly made bowties sitting next to it. Blaine got crafty when he was sad. He went to the bedroom, emptying his bag of clothes into the hamper before going to the closet to pick out some new stuff. He was trying to pick between his green camo skinny jeans and his dark green shorts when he heard a small gasp.

He jerked around, eyes going wide at the sight of Blaine with just a towel around his waist, hair and body wet like he'd just gotten out of the shower. "S-sorry," he blurted, "Um… Sam said you were out."

Blaine's eyes narrowed, "My only class today got cancelled, I-I told him to go out and do something, he looked bored being stuck in the loft because of me, but he knew I was going to be here all day."

Kurt sighed, "Of course he did," he ran a hand across his face, "I'll just… go," he muttered, shoving the couple sets of clothes he'd picked out in his bag.

"Those'll wrinkle," Blaine commented.

"Elliott has one of those clothes steamers," Kurt shrugged.

Blaine nodded, looking torn.

"Well, I'll… um, see you, sometime?" Kurt said, slowly heading to the door. His hand was on the door when Blaine's voice stopped him.

"Please don't go," he whispered quietly, like he was on the verge of tears.

Kurt stopped, still facing away, "Is that what you need?" he asked.

"I-I don't know what I need, but this is what I want," Blaine said.

Kurt turned back, a smile on his face. He wanted to rush Blaine, pick up and spin him around and kiss him senseless. But he held himself back, " Okay," he said quietly, "I'll stay."

—

The spent the rest of the afternoon talking. Kurt had started to bring up the rape and how Blaine was dealing with stuff but Blaine just shook his head. They'd talk about that later. For now he just wanted to talk with his boyfriend about stupid, everyday stuff.

Kurt wasn't sure how he felt about Blaine calling him his boyfriend, it lifted his heart with joy that the weeks apart hadn't shown Blaine what a monster he was, but at the same time it worried him. He was undeserving of that title, undeserving of the ring that still rested in his pocket. But he wasn't going to correct Blaine.

They talked until it was dark and Sam brought home some chinese takeout before nonchalantly saying that he'd met this hot undergrad girl and so he'd be gone for the rest of the night. He gave Kurt a stern look before leaving again.

"I've got an early class tomorrow," Kurt sighed.

"Yeah… me too," Blaine frowned.

"I guess I'll… go back to Elliott's?" Kurt left it as a question.

"Do you…" Blaine paused, "do you want to?"

Kurt shrugged, "Not really, but I want whatever makes you more comfortable."

Blaine's brow furrowed and he seemed to truly be thinking hard about what he wanted. Finally he looked up at Kurt, "I want you to stay."

Kurt nodded, smiling and itching to hug Blaine or just hold his hand.

"I'll stay."

—

Blaine got tense when Kurt mentioned sharing the bed so he assured him he'd sleep on the couch.

"But your back—" Blaine protested.

"Will be fine," Kurt said, "we have a nice couch."

Blaine frowned but didn't fight him on it,

They were getting their pajamas from the room together when Kurt noticed that his pillow was still on the bed, wrinkled and towards the center like someone had been cuddling with it. He paused, not sure what to make of it. Blaine followed his line of sight to the pillow.

"It smells like you," he said quietly.

Kurt blinked at him, "I—"

"You…" Blaine took a deep breath, "you didn't smell like yourself that night… it's a nice reminder that you and-and the person that did this aren't the same person."

"Blaine," Kurt said slowly, "it-it was me, I'm the one that did it, we're the same person."

"I know, I know," Blaine rubbed the back of his neck, staring at the floor, "you are, but… if I think of it like that, and remind myself that the person that did it, that part of you, isn't you and isn't going to come around again—"

"Of course he won't."

"—then it makes everything less confusing. It's difficult the reconcile you, my sweet, loving fiance' who treats me like I'm the most precious thing in the whole world with the you from that night. But if I think of them as different people, it just… makes it easier."

Kurt sat slowly on the side of the bed, "Blaine… don't try and force yourself to forgive me. I want you to feel safe, and I will do whatever it takes to do that, even if it means never seeing you again. If you want me to move out, I will, if you want me out of your life, I'll leave, if you want me here, I'll stay. Just… don't do something because you think it's what I want, because what I want doesn't matter. My opinion lost it's validity the first time you said no and I kept going, okay?"

Blaine nodded, "I know, and-and I don't forgive you, it's just that—you're my world, Kurt, you're my everything, and I'm trying to cope and make everything makes sense, and that's how I'm doing it. It's not for you, it's for me, because I physically ache right now because all I want to do is curl up in your arms and never leave, but I can't, because I know in a few hours something will happen and I'll forget that you're _you_are not _him_. I don't know if that even makes sense, but I think being around you more will help me stabilize that line and remind myself that he's not coming back."

Kurt just nodded, not sure how to respond.

—

"I'm seeing a therapist," Kurt said over breakfast, "he's helping me with my… anger issues and how to deal with them in healthier ways than drinking."

Blaine smiled softly, "I'm glad."

"He said it might also be good if you saw him too. He could get… both of our points of view. I still don't really remember much, I've been trying but it's all still foggy. You could go alone or… someone could go with you…"

Blaine pressed his lips into a thin line, "Would-would you go with me?"

Kurt swallowed, "Of course, yeah, of course I would."

—

His name was Dr. Rosenthal and he was very nice. He didn't look at Blaine in a pitying way, and that made Blaine like him. He hated being pitied.

"Blaine, this may seem like an odd question, but do you want Kurt to be here?" was the first thing he asked.

"Y-yeah, I do," Blaine responded, brow furrowed.

"And he's not forcing you to say that in any way?"

Kurt's jaw clenched but he didn't say anything, choosing instead to stare out the window. Dr. Rosenthal was right to be skeptical, Kurt was the abuser in this relationship, and having him here could change Blaine's answers. But Blaine wanted him here, so here he would stay.

"No-no, of course not."

"Okay, I just have to check. If at any point you would like him to leave you can say so and he can wait in the other room until you're ready for him to come back in. Do not be afraid to ask for him to leave," he glanced meaningfully at a surveillance camera in the corner and Blaine could only assume that there was someone watching through that camera that would stop Kurt from hurting either of them if he got angry. Blaine knew he wouldn't need them, though. If he asked, Kurt would leave, there was no question in his mind.

Blaine nodded.

"Let's start with the morning, Kurt said you were fighting?"

"Um yes, yes we were."

"Was Kurt violent at all during the fight?"

"No, no, he barely even rose his voice."

Dr. Rosenthal nodded, and jotted something down in his notebook, "What was the fight about, Blaine?"

"Um, finances. Kurt's been managing them, but I wanted some say in our budgeting. Since it's _our _money I thought I should have an equal say in what we spend it on."

"And since then you've changed your mind. Why?"

Blaine swallowed, glancing at Kurt who was watching him closely. "I-I was scared," he paused, rubbing his hands together, fighting the urge to reach for Kurt. He wasn't sure whether that would help him or not.

"Scared of what?"

"Of-of fighting again. Of him going out drinking again and…" he trailed off, blinking against the pressure behind his eyes.

"And raping you again?" Dr. Rosenthal supplied.

Kurt sucked in a deep breath, folding his arms across his chest and looking away.

Blaine nodded slowly, "But-but I wasn't calling it that at the time."

Kurt frowned, "What were you calling it?" he asked without thinking.

Blaine looked at him, biting his lip, "Rough sex," he shrugged.

"And when did you start calling it rape?" Dr. Rosenthal asked.

"About a week or so after it happened. I was just so scared all the time, and I kept having nightmares that reminded me how many times I said no and told him to stop and he didn't listen. I couldn't deny it anymore."

"And yet you didn't confront him on it till more than a week later," Dr. Rosenthal mused.

"I-I didn't plan on confronting him at all," he whispered, hanging his head.

Kurt's hands twitched but he fought against the urge to hold Blaine. He looked so sad and beaten down and he wanted to kill himself for making Blaine look like that.

"Why didn't you want Kurt to find out?" Dr Rosenthal asked gently.

Blaine took a deep breath, "Because he didn't know and if he didn't remember and he was back to being his old self again, the man who loves me more than anything, and brings me home cronuts when I've had a bad day, and kisses away my tears, and who would be willing to kill if someone ever hurt me like that. If I told him what he'd done… I knew it would break him." Blaine spoke quickly, feeling the lump forming in his throat and growing with every word until the last sentence was a barely audible whisper. He reached blindly for Kurt's hand, needing some form of contact to show him that Kurt wasn't broken and he was still here with him.

Kurt hesitantly took it, holding it loosely in his hand until Blaine squeezed tight and Kurt matched the pressure. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, "but please, please never do that again. If you're hurting, tell me, even if you think it will hurt me. Because seeing you sad is always going to hurt me, and especially knowing I'm the cause of it, but if I don't know I can't help. And as helpless and useless as this whole situation has made me feel, because I know I can't be the one to help you, not knowing what's wrong is even worse."

"I know, but…" Blaine felt like he should protest but he didn't know how.

"Blaine, Kurt's right. You can't keep things like this from him, it's not good for your relationship. I know you're told to put others first, and you especially want to do that with your loved ones, but you also need to do things for you. Do you understand?"

Blaine nodded. He still wanted to protest but he didn't even know what he would say. He just clung to Kurt's hand like a lifeline, focussing on his gentle grip as Dr. Rosenthal started asking questions again.

—

Touch started coming easier after that. Not a lot at once or for extended periods of time, but a bump of the shoulders, a brush of the fingertips, a playful poke or kick. They all felt nice and Blaine let them happen. He wasn't sure when he would be ready for more, but he figured it would just happen when it happened.

He surprised Kurt one day by setting up a bed in Rachel's old room. They never had found something to do with the space and Blaine hated the thought of Kurt sleeping on the couch every night when they had room for another bed.

Neither of them had thought when Kurt threw his arms around him in thanks. Blaine stiffened for a second at the sudden contact and Kurt started to pull away and apologize but Blaine just hugged him back. It felt nice to be held again.

—

It had been almost seven months since the rape and Blaine was feeling great. He was more relaxed around Kurt than either of them could ever remember. He didn't hold back his thoughts anymore. If he had something he needed to say, he's say it. He didn't worry about how Kurt would take it. After weeks of going to the therapist together they knew each others darkest secrets, there really was no point in hiding from each other.

They'd gotten to the point where they could cuddle again, but they only ever did it with Blaine holding Kurt. They'd never actually talked about it, but Kurt figured Blaine would feel better if he wasn't being restrained by Kurt's arms around him. Blaine just liked being close to Kurt again.

The nightmares had disappeared for the most part but every once in a while one would come out of nowhere, shaking Blaine to the core. But he started to realize as time went on, that the man holding him down was slowly morphing into something else. Something big and menacing and very… not Kurt. And the more he changed the less scary he became. He was like the boogeyman, hiding in the back of his closet, faceless, and he felt like he should be more scared of him that he was. But he wasn't. Because everytime he woke up screaming Kurt would be sitting at the edge of his bed, face full of concern and worry, hands held up like he wanted to soothe him but didn't know if that would be welcome and Blaine would relax again, beckoning Kurt towards him.

And every night Kurt would sit beside him, nimble fingers playing with Blaine's wild curls until he fell back into a dreamless sleep. And then he would leave and go back to his own bed.

Blaine was really starting to wish he'd stay.

—

They stumbled back into the apartment together after a very successful One Three Hill concert, giggly and holding onto each other for support. Blaine's mind was in happy overdrive from a night spent with friends and his beautiful fiance', being happy and together and without thinking about everything that had happened over the past few months.

"Do you want some warm mi—mmpf," Kurt's question was cut short as Blaine yanked him down, smashing their mouths together. Kurt was frozen in shock for a few seconds before he slowly kissed back, arms wrapping around Blaine's shoulders to hold him closer.

"_Blaine_," Kurt breathed when they broke apart with a gasp, "wha—"

"Warm milk sounds great," Blaine said with a bright smile, giving Kurt another quick peck on the lips before he danced off to the bedroom.

Kurt just stood there for a minute, staring after Blaine in shock, lips tingling from the kiss. He finally shook himself and went about warming the milk in a pot on the stove. He pulled out the cinnamon for Blaine and waited.

Blaine came out of his room in his pajamas, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. He stood there, holding him close with a soft smile on his face. "You should go change," he muttered.

Kurt nodded, "Yeah…" he said, but Blaine didn't let go, "but… I kind of need to move to do that."

"What? You can't just snap your fingers and change into your PJs?" Blaine asked in mock shock.

"Nope, I've been lying to you about my superpowers the whole time," Kurt shrugged.

Blaine gasped, "I've been engaged to a liar this whole time?"

Kurt smiled bashfully. Blaine was the only one to label their relationship out loud. Kurt was too scared to do so in case one day Blaine decided he wasn't comfortable and corrected him.

"Do you still have the ring?" Blaine asked, tone serious.

Kurt nodded, patting his breast pocket.

Blaine turned him around slowly, reaching into his pocket to retrieve the ring. He took Kurt's left hand in his, sliding the ring back into place on his finger and bringing it to his lips.

Kurt took in a shaky breath when Blaine looked at him, with such love and calmness. The fear had completely dissipated and Kurt was so grateful. There had been days, during a big fight, or after one of his nightmares, when he was sure Blaine would finally tell him he couldn't do it anymore. That what Kurt had done was too much and he would never feel safe around him again. But here he was, trusting him when Kurt still wasn't sure he deserved to be trusted.

"I forgive you," Blaine whispered, "and I love you, so, so much. There may still be times when I get a little scared, times when I have nightmares about it, but I'm on my way to being okay, and I need you here with me, okay?"

Kurt nodded, tears clogging his throat.

Blaine leaned up to give him a soft, chaste kiss. "Now go get changed, I'll finish the milk."

—

That night Blaine pulled Kurt to his bedroom with him. Kurt protested at first, scared Blaine was trying to push himself too far but Blaine just shook his head.

"Just… hold me, okay?" he whispered.

Kurt nodded slowly, climbing under the covers, Blaine curled up against his chest and Kurt gently wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. As Blaine slowly drifted off to sleep, his ear pressed against Kurt's chest, the persistent ache that had been there since Blaine told him what he had done started to fade and Kurt thought, maybe they would be okay.


End file.
